My hair and I are taking a break.
Am I sad about it? Yeah.
Do I wish it didn’t have to be this way? I really do.
What happened? I don’t know, I’ve been kinda busy lately, I guess. I just need some time to figure things out.
Tonight as I was in the shower not washing my hair, my hair was all “Um, hey. Can we talk?” And I was all, “Of course, Hair. Shoot!”
Hair: Well, I’m just wondering when you’re going to wash me again…it’s been a couple-three-maybe-four days?
Me: What? What? I can’t understand you, Hair.
Hair: Yeah. Sorry. Um, it’s sorta hard to talk when I’m all tied up in one of these black rubber bands from Target, you know?
Me: Oh, snap. I’m so sorry, Hair. Let me take that out for you.
Hair: (sucking in fresh air) Oh, wow. Thanks, Emily. That feels so good! I can breathe! Man, I don’t remember the last time I—
Me: —Hair, I know what you’re about to say, and I just want to apolo—
Hair: No, no. It’s ok. You don’t have to do that. I mean, I see what’s going on. I get it.
Me: No, Hair. I’m serious. I miss you. Really, really miss you. I love you. I mean, you’re my hair! I wish it weren’t like this right now. Sometimes I get a little nostalgic about all the great times we’ve had together…
Hair: Yeah, me, too! Like when you used to curl me for work a few mornings a week?
Me: Yeah! Or when I put in extra product and hot rollers to make really big, flouncy curls?
Hair: Oh, yeah. And what about that special stuff you spray all over me when you use the flat iron? Gah! I love the way it smells!
Me: Me, too, Hair. I even like just hanging out with you and letting you air dry. You have some really nice natural waves, you know that? I mean it. I really take those for granted sometimes.
Hair: And I love when you do that one French braid on the side of your head…
Hair: Look, Emily, I don’t want to belabor my point or anything here, but I think the only thing you’ve put on me in a while is that aerosol powder.
Me: Oh, you mean dry shampoo?
Hair: Yeah. You use, like, a LOT of it. I’m not a doctor or anything, but aren’t you worried about respiratory toxicity or something?
Me: I wasn’t until you mentioned it…
Hair: Maybe you could try actual shampoo more often?
Me: Hair, I hear you. I love you. And I really wish I could commit to that right now. I just don’t think I have the time to put into that kind of relationship. There’s the baby, the boys, and work is crazy right now and I’m not getting much sleep and I’m just not mentally prepared to to dry you and…
Hair: I know, Emily. I’d like more of a commitment but, like I say, I get it. I just miss you.
Me: Honestly, Hair, I didn’t realize you had feelings until right now, but let me tell you the truth: I’d give you all the water and shampoo, deep conditioning and heat protectant spray, curling and attention in the world if I could. Maybe I just need some time to figure things out. Could you wait for me? Would you do that?
Hair: Yeah, that’s cool. Take your time, Emily. I’ll be here. And don’t worry, I’ve got you covered with that Nancy Drew ponytail and the messy fake bun in the mean time. Whatever you do, just don’t do the mom chop or I swear I’ll…
Me: Aw no. You’re safe on that, Hair. I think we did enough pageboy during my childhood. Never again.
Hair: Never again. Ok, well, let me know when you’re ready to talk about that bikini line…
Me: Don’t even.