This Christmas, I give you my soul?

This is a long one so…

SYNOPSIS: I’m having a birthday party for Jesus in my consciousness. Merry Christmas, y’all!

SPOILER ALERT: This post is totally TMI about my spiritual journey.

CARE TO READ MORE?: Off you go…

Lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of shooting for Christ Consciousness. It’s a naïve, if not laughable objective, to be sure, considering how far away I clearly am from nirvana, but I believe that, as long as it’s in line with spiritual law, you can create any state of being for yourself. As such, Christmas time, when a feeling of goodwill pervades in the collective consciousness, seems the perfect opportunity to go for it with longer meditations, Jesus-y holiday music, and the intent of loving everyone—yes, everyone—unconditionally, as Christ did. (Aside: Loving everyone? Exhilarating. Try it for a day. You’ll totally like it.)

The past few holiday seasons, I’ve delightedly approached Christmas as the time to honor Jesus’ birth and welcome Christ to be born again within my own consciousness. I’ve partaken in all my normal holiday stuff—travel, family parties, grandma’s sugar cookies, present wrapping, spiked eggnog—but with an open heart and an extra prayer that I’d feel a merging with Christ on Christmas, and that the event would somehow shift me into a permanent state of peace, the highest wisdom and all-encompassing love. So far, my personal Happy-Birthday-Baby-Jesus! posada-party has worked for me. I’ve been filled with pure and abiding holiday joy since Thanksgiving. That is, until, Sunday night. And I haven’t wanted to meditate since.

Around 10 p.m. Sunday night, my mind was actually quiet* so I was enjoying the peace of meditation when, all of a sudden, I caught a glimpse—surprisingly devoid of any metaphysical dazzle—of what it is to gain Christ Consciousness.

Granted, it could’ve been an extravagant ruse orchestrated by my tricky ego, but it was unsettling nonetheless. It was a flicker of a feeling rather than an actual vision, so it’s almost impossible to recount, yet it left me with two big questions: 1.) Do I really want this? And, 2.) Is it possible to be a channel for God, like Christ, and still enjoy my worldly life? Maybe like a Christ Consciousness-Lite?

*Often, my mind is still totally restless even after 20 minutes of attempted meditation. Instead of feeling the bliss of God, I’m wondering if that supermodel-y mom at Charlie’s preschool is Swedish, why I’ve never grown my hair out this long before or who I’m going to hire to babysit if I get that freelance job.

Hold up. Christ Consciousness means I have to do what?

As I understand it, when you live and breathe as a self-realized human being, you’re one with everything, which means you recognize the divine in yourself, in everything and in everyone. Such a way of living has great appeal to me, but it follows that in such a holy state there’s no “other” to which you can turn because you are, in essence, God as well. That feels a little scary to me, a little alone. Knowing that fear is the absence of love, I’m definitely missing a key piece of Christ Consciousness-ness, or else I wouldn’t be afraid of it, right? Nonetheless, whatever I felt while meditating Sunday night, I wasn’t ready for it. In that brief moment, there was God, and me, loving everything and everyone equally, and feeling blissful, yes, but not really getting too invested in anything of the world or anyone in particular. Emily sans attachment.

When you’re truly one with God as Jesus was, you’re free from all desires for earthly things, or so I understand. I definitely see the freedom in ditching tenuous sensory attachments to things like food, sex, drugs, alcohol, fancy belongings, Millionaire Matchmaker, etc. But I am not ready to stop depending on my man for hugs or loving my kids a little more than I love everyone else. I’ll be sad when someone I love dies, I don’t want to know everything and I’m not sure I could handle the pressure of having all the power in the universe at my fingertips. Or is that really where it’s at?

Whew. Where do I go from here?

So now, in the middle of what is usually a joyous season of spiritual hopefulness, I’m wrestling with, “Is it ok if I don’t want to merge with my creator this year?” Can I take back that request, God? I launched myself into this path of meditation with the sincere desire to know God, and to have a direct experience of God. I still want that, and I absolutely hope to be a channel for God’s love and truth, but I’m suddenly freaked out.

I’m four days away from Christmas and am yearning to nestle into a peaceful state of anticipation for this weekend, our first Christmas with just the four of us and all three dogs, in our own home forging our own traditions. But, oh, how I want to wrap my questions and tie them with a nice, little bow in my heart before our family reenacts the night Jesus was born and discusses Christ’s ability to awaken the divine in all of us, not just on Christmas, but any day of the year. It feels essential to embody that whole “talk the talk, walk the walk” thing.

And so I return to Christ Consciousness-Lite; I dearly hope it’s a respectable aim for a sincere seeker, because that’s my interim mission, until I figure out my true intention. Breaking it down: if I attain even one smidgen of Jesus’ consciousness, I suppose I’ll be adequately equipped to serve the world as a slightly expanded channel of love and light. Over time, perhaps I’ll go the full distance, or perhaps I’ll always be stuck in my head (I do recognize my own overthinking tizzies) but, with gradual soul expansion in mind, rather than the grandiose event I first envisioned, it seems safe for me to get back to approaching Christmas as the natural time to request Christ’s rebirth within my consciousness, and to feel the joy such a request brings me. Off I go. Merry Christmas to you!

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One thought on “This Christmas, I give you my soul?

  1. Pingback: Bringing in an expert: Marianne Williamson sheds some light « emily en route

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