Somewhere between college and today, something happened. Out of nowhere, it just doesn’t feel cool to get drunk anymore and, suddenly, there’s no room for the swearing, sassing, filter-less, gossiping, bold-talking Emily that emerges after too much alcohol. Plain and simple, she is unintentionally holding me back from the Emily I want to be.
The awareness of dissonance surfaced after my last girls’ night as an ominous question: Is it possible to both enjoy wine and be my highest self? It came back to me in the days following Halloween night, when we had an indulgent front-porch party with various neighbors. After a couple days of feeling just plain icky—in my heart, not my body—I’ve detected a screeching discord between the Emily I want to be and the Emily I am when I’m drunk. Drunk Emily, though she doesn’t surface that often, is begging to be phased out for a while.
I don’t recall parts of Halloween night, which is frightful in itself, but I do know I uncharacteristically spoke rudely to a friend I love and, as stills from the night flashed back to me in fractured pieces, I was riddled with embarrassment for what I might’ve said or done. Whose feelings did I hurt? Who was the brunt of my gossip? Was my bra showing the entire night? What do some of these people think of me now?
Granted, worrying about what people think of me is a worry I normally recommend against indulging. However, I’m on a sincere mission to be a channel for love and light, and as clear as I feel at the time I’m enjoying an alcohol-altered state, I’m far from an open channel for all that’s good in the world.
So, I’m delighted, and also a little bashful about sharing, that I have been free from drunkenness for an entire month. The operative word is “free,” I think. When I’m entertaining or out on the town, which is the usual time I opt to have a cocktail, two glasses of wine is my new black. I’m not sure how long this will last, or what direction I’m heading, but for now, the middle road feels really good.
Note: While my path to higher consciousness now involves a hiatus on boozing, yours might not, in which case, cheers! The important thing to me is that I listen to what my inner voice is saying, and I wish you all the best of the best as you listen to your own.